Johnny, if you had 5$ and you asked your father for $3 more, how many dollars would you have? I would have five dollars.
You don’t know your arithmetic, Johnny.
You don’t know my father, Mrs. Mutch.
A difference of Perspective
The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a brief, fruitless search, he gave up. His mother took up the cause and within minutes found the lens.
“How did you do that?” he asked. “We weren’t looking for the same thing,” she explained. “You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150.”
Think Twice of Being a Stockbroker
A young stockbroker decided to get his first tailor made suit. So he went to the finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit.
A week later he went in for his first fitting. He put on the suit and he looked stunning, he felt that in this suit he can do business. As he was preening himself in front of the mirror he reached down to put his hands in the pockets and to his surprise he noticed that there were no pockets.
He mentioned this to the tailor who asked him, “Didn’t you tell me you were a stockbroker?” The young man answered, “Yes, I did.”
To this the tailor said, “Who ever heard of a stockbroker with his hands in his own pockets?”
Around the World with an Investment Banker
An American investment banker was at the pier of a small coastal Greek village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow fin tuna.
The American complimented the Greek on the quality of his fish and asked, “How long does it take to catch them?” The Greek replied: “Only a little while.” The American then asked why didn’t he stay out longer and catch more fish? The Greek said he had enough to support his family’s immediate needs. The American then asked, “But what do you do with the rest of your time?” The Greek fisherman said, “I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play cards with my friends, I have a full and busy life.”
The American scoffed, “I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat with the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Athens, then London and eventually New York where you will run your expanding enterprise.”
The Greek fisherman asked, “But, how long will this all take?” To which the American replied, “15-25 years.” “But what then?” The American laughed and said that’s the best part. “When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions.”
“Millions … Then what?” The American said, “Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play cards with your friends.”
It isn’t Always About Money
Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single.
One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, “My dear guests … I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter’s hand in marriage to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!” As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large SPLASH!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could … the crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking. Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed.
The millionaire was impressed. He said, “My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn’t think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain … which do you want, my daughters hand in marrage or the one million dollars?”
The guy says, “Listen, I don’t want your money! And I don’t want to marry your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in the water!!!”
Albert Einstein Job Allocation Based on IQ
Einstein dies and goes to heaven only to be informed that his room is not yet ready.
“I hope you will not mind waiting in a dormitory. We are very sorry, but it’s the best we can do and you will have to share the room with others he is told by the doorman.
Einstein says that this is no problem at all and that there is no need to make such a great fuss. So the doorman leads him to the dorm. They enter and Albert is introduced to all of the present inhabitants.
“See, Here is your first room mate. He has an IQ of 180!” “That”s wonderful!” says Albert. “We can discuss mathematics!”
“And here is your second room mate. His IQ is 150!” “That’s wonderful!” says Albert. “We can discuss physics!”
“And here is your third room mate. His IQ is 100!” “That’s wonderful! We can discuss the latest plays at the theater!”
Just then another man moves out to capture Albert’s hand and shake it. “I’m your last room mate and I’m sorry, but my IQ is only 80.” Albert smiles back at him and says, “So, where do you think the stock market is heading?”
What a Stockbroker Will Do
After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists – a mathematician, a doctor and a stockbroker.
For the final test, the CIA agents took the mathematician to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Behind this door you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her!” The mathematician said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.” The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job.”
The doctor was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the doctor came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”
Finally, it was the stockbroker’s turn. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.
The door opened slowly and there stood the stockbroker. He wiped the sweat from his brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat her to death with the chair!”
The Magic of An Economist
A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.
The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks “What do two plus two equal?” The mathematician replies “Four.” The interviewer asks “Four, exactly?” The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says “Yes, four, exactly.”
Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question “What do two plus two equal?” The accountant says “On average, four – give or take ten percent, but on average, four.”
Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question “What do two plus two equal?” The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down close to the interviewer and says “What would you like it to equal?”
Value Investment: Wife or Stocks?
The young bride approached her awaiting husband on their wedding night and demanded $10 for their first love-making encounter.
In his highly aroused state, he readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30 years, him thinking it was a cute way for her to buy new clothes, etc.
Arriving home around noon one day, she found her husband in a very drunken state. Over the next few minutes she heard of the ravages of financial ruin caused by corporate down sizing and it’s effects on a 50 year old executive.
Calmly, she handed him a bank book showing deposits and interest for 30 years totaling nearly million dollars. Pointing across the parking lot she gestured toward the local bank while handing him stock certificates worth nearly million dollars and informing him that he was the largest stockholder in the bank. She told him that for 30 years she had charged him each time they had sex, and this was the result of her investments.
By now he was distraught and beating his head against the side of the car. She asked him why the disappointment at such good news and he replied, “If I had known what you were doing, I would have given you all of my business!”
Econometricians at Work
Three econometricians went out hunting, and came across a large deer. The first econometrician fired, but missed, by a meter to the left. The second econometrician fired, but also missed, by a meter to the right. The third econometrician didn’t fire, but shouted in triumph, “We got it! We got it!”
A Black Cat
A mathematician, a theoretical economist, and an econometrician are asked to find a black cat (who doesn’t really exist) in a closed room with the lights off. The mathematician gets crazy trying to find a black cat that doesn’t exist inside the darkened room and ends up in a psychiatric hospital. The theoretical economist is unable to catch the black cat that doesn’t exist inside the darkened room, but exits the room proudly proclaiming that he can construct a model to describe all his movements with extreme accuracy. The econometrician walks securely into the darkened room, spends one hour looking for the black cat that doesn’t exits and shouts from inside the room that he has caught it by the neck.”
SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The state takes one and gives it to someone else.
COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The State takes both of them and gives you the milk.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The State takes both of them and sells you the milk.
MILITARY DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The State takes both of them and shoots you.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. The state takes both of them, accidentally kills one and spills the milk in the sewer.
CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to decide who gets the milk.
AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair “Cowgate”.
ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors kill you and take the cows.
A civil engineer, a chemist and an economist are traveling in the countryside. Weary, they stop at a small country inn. “I only have two rooms, so one of you will have to sleep in the barn,” the innkeeper says.
The civil engineer volunteers to sleep in the barn, goes outside, and the others go to bed. In a short time they’re awakened by a knock. It’s the engineer, who says, “There’s a cow in that barn. I’m a Hindu, and it would offend my beliefs to sleep next to a sacred animal.” The chemist says that, OK, he’ll sleep in the barn. The others go back to bed, but soon are awakened by another knock. It’s the chemist who says, “There’s a pig in that barn. I’m Jewish, and cannot sleep next to an unclean animal.” So the economist is sent to the barn.
It’s getting late, the others are very tired and soon fall asleep, But they’re awakened by an even louder knocking. They open the door and are surprised by what they see: It’s the cow and the pig!
Saving on Train Ticket
Three economists and three mathematicians were going for a trip by train. Before the journey, the mathematicians bought 3 tickets but economists only bought one. The mathematicians were glad their stupid colleagues were going to pay a fine.
However, when the conductor was approaching their compartment, all three economists went to the nearest toilet. The conductor, noticing that somebody was in the toilet, knocked on the door. In reply he saw a hand with one ticket. He checked it and the economists saved 2/3 of the ticket price.
The next day, the mathematicians decided to use the same strategy- they bought only one ticket, but economists did not buy tickets at all! When the mathematicians saw the conductor, they hid in the toilet, and when they heard knocking they handed in the ticket. They did not get it back.
Why? The economists took it and went to the other toilet.
Changing Lightbulb 1
Q: How many conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in.
A2: None, because, look! It’s getting brighter! It’s definitely getting brighter!
A3: None, they’re all waiting for the unseen hand of the market to correct the lighting disequilibrium.
Changing Lightbulb 2
Q: How many central bank economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one — he holds the light bulb and the whole earth revolves around him.
What makes the difference?
Q. What’s the difference between an economist and a befuddled old man with Alzheimer’s?A. The economist is the one with the calculator.
Bill Clinton & Boris Yeltsin
Bill and Boris are taking a break from a long summit, Boris says to Bill, – Bill, you know, I have a big problem I don’t know what to do about. I have a hundred bodyguards and one of them is a traitor. I don’t know which one.
Not a big deal – Boris, I’m stuck with a hundred economists I have to listen to all the time before any policy decision, and only one tells the truth but it’s never the same one.
During the waning days of communism in the Soviet Union, an inspector was encharged with visiting local poultry farmers and inquiring about the amount of feed they were giving their chickens. Central planning was still in effect and each farmer was allocated 15 Rubles to spend on chicken feed.
One farmer very honestly answered that he spent five of the allocated 15 Rubles on chicken feed. The inspector took this to mean that the thieving farmer pocketed the other ten and promptly had him imprisoned. Hearing of this through the rumor mill, the next farmer down the road insisted that he spent all 15 Rubles on food for the chickens. The inspector saw this as a case of budget padding and the farmer as a wasteful opportunist. He too was imprisoned. The third farmer heard of both episodes and was more prepared for the inspector’s arrival.
“How many of the 15 Rubles do you actually spend on chicken feed,” asked the inspector. Like a true nascent capitalist, the farmer threw his hands in the air and answered, “hey! I give 15 Rubles to the chickens. They can eat whatever they want!”
Experienced economist and not so experienced economist are walking down the road. They come across a pile of horse manure lying on the asphalt.Experienced economist: “If you eat it I’ll give you $20,000!”
Not so experienced economist runs his optimization problem and figures out he’s better off eating it so he does and collects money. Continuing along the same road they come across another pile of horse manure.
Not so experienced economist: “Now, if YOU eat this I’ll give YOU $20,000.” After evaluating the proposal experienced economist eats it and collects the money. They go on. The not so experienced economist starts thinking: “Listen, we both have the same amount of money we had before, but we both ate horse manure. I don’t see us being better off.”
The experienced economist replies “Well, that’s true, but you overlooked the fact that we’ve been just involved in $40,000 of trade.”
A woman hears from her doctor that she has only half a year to live. The doctor advises her to marry an economist and to live in South Dakota.
The woman asks, “will this cure my illness”?
Answer of the doctor: “No, but the half year will seem pretty long”.
Searching for lost keys
One night a policeman saw a macroeconomist looking for something by a light pole. He asked him is had had lost something there. The economist said, “I lost my keys over in the alley.” The policeman asked him why he was looking by the light pole.
The economist responded, “it’s a lot easier to look over here.”
History Repeat itself
Three leading economists took a small plane to the wilderness in northern Canada to hunt moose over the weekend. The last thing the pilot said was, remember this is a very small plane and you will only be able to bring ONE moose back. But of course, they killed one each and come Sunday, they talked the pilot into letting them bring all three dead moose onboard.
So just after takeoff, the plane stalled and crashed. In the wreckage, one of the economists woke up, looked around and said. Where the hell are we. Oh, just about a hundred yards east of the place there we crashed last year.
A round of golf
Three guys decide to play a round of golf: a priest, a psychologist, and an economist. They get behind a *very* slow two-some, who, despite a caddy, are taking all day to line up their shots and four-putting every green, and so on. By the 8th hole, the three men are complaining loudly about the slow play ahead and swearing a blue streak, and so on.
The priest says, “Holy Mary, I pray that they should take some lessons before they play again.” The psychologist says, “I swear there are people that like to play golf slowly.” The economist says, “I really didn’t expect to spend this much time playing a round of golf.”
By the 9th hole, they have had it with slow play, so the psychologist goes to the caddy and demands that they be allowed to play through. The caddy says O.K., but then explains that the two golfers are blind, that both are retired firemen who lost their eyesight saving people in a fire, and that explains their slow play, and would they please not swear and complain so loud. The priest is mortified; he says, “Here I am a man of the cloth and I’ve been swearing at the slow play of two blind men.” The psychologist is also mortified; he says, “Here I am a man trained to help others with their problems and I’ve been complaining about the slow play of two blind men.”
The economist ponders the situation-finally he goes back to the caddy and says, “Listen, the next time could they play at night.”
A physicist, a chemist and an economist are stranded on an island, with nothing to eat. A can of soup washes ashore. The physicist says, “Lets smash the can open with a rock.” The chemist says, “Let’s build a fire and heat the can first.”
The economist says, “Lets assume that we have a can-opener…”
It’s not easy being an economist. How would you like to go through life pretending you knew what M1 was all about?
Economics is the painful elaboration of the obvious.
An economist is someone who doesn’t know what he’s talking about – and make you feel it’s your fault.
Q: Why did God create economists?
A: In order to make weather forecasters look good.
John D. Stiver
University of Notre Dame
PhD.,University of Rochester, 2000
- “I’m tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok.” — Shaquille O’Neal
- Financial markets have a very safe way of predicting the future. They cause it. — George Soro
- The same people who laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously. — J.K.Galbrai
- An economist is someone who, by looking out of the rear window of a car, can tell the driver where he is going. — Clive Wismaye
- How do you define an optimist? A bank manager who irons 5 shirts on Sunday night.
- Borrow money from pessimists, they don’t expect it back.
- What’s the difference between a tragedy and a catastrophe? A tragedy is a ship full of bankers going down in a storm; a catastrophe is when they can all swim.
- What’s the problem with banker jokes? Bankers don’t think they’re funny, normal people don’t think they’re jokes.
- Why you shouldn’t date an economist? A: They consider selfish behavior the most natural thing in the world.
- The market is weird. Every time one guy sells, another one buys, and they both think they’re smart.
Q: How do you find a small-cap fund manager?
A: Find a large-cap fund manager and wait.
How did you get your broker to be more careful with your money?
Well, I just wrote him into my will.